Restless Still

Really doesn't make sense to be this restless still at my age. Why do we put deadlines on ourselves? I think they are mostly put on us from other people. If I tried to make everyone I know happy with what I should be doing with my life I'll never have time to be happy. I think I am not in that place.

It always seems that I get a few steps to normal and then knock back about a mile. It's not always my doing. Negative forces in my life that need be rid off. I need space and peace. This is going to take some doing and string cutting. I have to find that place. A place to bloom and thrive. Not only for myself, but my children. Away from all that is familiar and negative.

A place where I can call home, but accessible to the new adventures I crave. Near enough for the positive people to travel, but far enough protected from those that suck the life force out of me. I need steady fulfilling employment. Good schools, wonderful nature outputs. Where does this place exist? Right now only in my mind and heart. I just want MY OWN HOME. Where I am the queen and there doesn't have to be a king. I suck at love. I give up. Really no point.

Time has come to love myself and my kids. Put them first. See them happy and see them thrive. But, is it fault to jerk them up from everything they've even know which is both good and bad? Maybe I'm holding them back from seeing more things? I have to get it all straight in my mind. Quick.